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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 17, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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>> good night. ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen: yeah. whooo! welcome to the late show, everybody. whooo! whooo! thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: that is grit! that is nice! thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the late show! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, that is good.
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(cheers and applause) thanks very much. thanks, everybody. that was really good. listen, that chanting was just as crisp as a sell ree stick, thank you so much. stephen colbert. i don't know if you guys have noticed but one of the things i like to do at the beginning of the show is walk out here. and it's become a habit. and fun fact. i am not the only one in the world who walks. so does russian president vladimir putin. and this is absolutely true. his walk is so distinctive, that recently a team of neurologists published an article about it, check outputin's walk. you see, here he is walking. he swings his left arm but his right arm always stays by his side. (laughter) and they think it's because of his kgb training, okay. they're calling putin's walk a gunslinger's gait because his right hand is always in position to pull a gun from his pocket, okay.
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he just walks like this. with one arm by his side, look. (laughter) this is no training, i can do this. no training at all. i could have been in the kgb easy. (cheers and applause) here's the deal, if putin has got a tough walk, that means president obama needs an even you have iter guy walk. if he doesn't find something to do with his limbs, we're going to literally lose the arm's race. (applause) >> stephen: thank you. (applause) that joke courtesy of little richie dom, age eight that is why i have a few suggestions to butch-up president obama's walk. now first, obviously, obviously you have to keep your right arm down, okay, indicating you've got a gun somewhere on your hip, okay.
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by the gun in your ankle holster (laughter) putin's not going to know what to do with this, okay. it will throw him off. here's another one. this walk, this walk gives you 360 directional awareness at all times. no one can come to you, no one can sneak up on you without you seeing them first and then eventually puking on them, okay. this one i think was particularly effective. this one, they'll think you're a crab. they'll think you are a crab. (cheers and applause) mr. president, i'm available to teach you any of these. and we've got a great show for you tonight. (cheers and applause) first up, i call this one the scarecrow.
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i will be talking with oscar winner document arian filmmaker, michael moore! (cheers and applause) i love documentaries, i have seen almost every season of "real housewives" then i will be talking with u.s. ambassador to the united nations, samantha power! (cheers and applause) as an ambassador she has diplomatic immunity so she parked her limo over on the stage of jersey boys tonlts. and i will be joined by the star of the musical lazarus michael c. hall. (cheers and applause) you watch deks ter? >> jon: i did, yeah kz >> stephen: i loved him in deks ter and to make him feel at home have i covered his green room with plastic wrap. oh, you hear that? that is the sweet sound of jon
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say hi to the band, everybody. (cheers and applause) hey, everybody. they're about to deck you right in the halls am but before they do, one more thing, the u.n. has named norway the best place to live on earth. though a close second is under the soft serve dispenser at dairy queen. >> tonight, stephen welcomes michael moore! u.n. ambassador samantha power. and michael c. hall with a performance from the musical "lazarus". featuring jon
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and now it's time for the late show with stephen colbert! z >> stephen: whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) i don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen, but i could watch those credits all night long. i need to apologize to you for many reasons. but the first thing i want to apologize to to you about is it has been almost five minutes of show right now and you have yet to see one commercial. i don't know about you, but i love ads. and they're everywhere these days. on the tv, on the internet, at the gas pump, even in your dreams. at least i assume that's why i keep dreaming about the trivago guy. see you tonight, my friend. wear something loose.
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i don't know why you say that. (applause) >> stephen: yeah! that's why i was so excited to hear about a brand new advertising innovation, ads that are watching you back. cuz the ad agency m & c saatchi is currently testing "billboards" with hidden microsoft kinect cameras that read a person's emotions and react according to a person's facial expression. so if it detects me losing interest, it can instantly put that geico gecko in something low cut. hello. oh, hello. why don't you coordinate with that trivago guy tonight. now once the billboard reads viewers' faces the ad's taglines change to reflect their reaction. so get ready for the new olive garden slogan, when you're here, you're family, which i can see say complicated subject for you. now i'm sure, i'm sure some people might find an ad
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unsettle am. but don't worry as the ad's company chief innovation officer said, we're trying not be to creepy. this is no different from an automatic door. that's right. these emotion-reading ads are no different than automatic doors, just like this rationalization is no different from bull [bleep]. (laughter) and-- (cheers and applause) and you know, folks, i'm contract allly fine with this technology because one of our sponsors is already using it. the good folks at oatie-o's. >> hey, kids, you fleet to start your day off right with the balanced breakfast. and there's no better breakfast than oatie-os. >> they're delicious and crunchy. and good. squirrel.
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oatie-os >> stephen: hi, crunchy, no need to remind me. i ate my oatie's this morning. >> really, stephen, because my facial scan says you're lying. (laughter) >> stephen: well, wait, wait, how do you know my name? >> i know a lot about you, steve. like you haven't had your recommended daily allowance of oatie-o's >> stephen: well, mebt to. i will have some as soon as the show is over. >> all right, then. i'll be watching. i always am. because i have access to the camera in your laptop >> stephen: what? >> it would be a shame if any of those weird photos got out. eat your o's >> stephen: wait, what are you saying, crunchy? >> i just need to know if you are a team player, steve. because i am making a list of all the people on team oatie-os and i'm not sure you're on it. >> stephen: no, no, i'm on it
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>> that's mr. crunchy. look, maybe i could erase these photos if you just give me the names of the people who don't eat oatie-o's >> stephen: okay, i'm not sure james corden eats them. >> oh, james is on the team. he's the one without gave you up. >> stephen: that son of a bitch! >> lay, you seem stressed out. why not relax with some oatie-o's >> stephen: don't have any damn oatie-o's. >> look under your desk >> stephen: what? oh my god. how did this get under there? >> i know where you work. and live. check out the fun troy inside-- the fun toy inside. >> stephen: my dog's clar, you monster. what have you done with sparky? >> nothing. yet.
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is hanging out with my buddy roscoe the racoon. roscoe is what we call part of a mentally unbalanced breakfast. now eat the o's >> stephen: okay, okay, you win, all right, i'll eat them. >> that's right, stephen. that's good boy. eat those o's. >> stephen: wait a second, what am i doing. you're just an ad. if i don't look at you, you lose all your power. you know what, you know what, chew on this, crunchy. no. >> what? no! no! stephen, look at me, look at me now! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: they're pretty good, actually. we'll be right back with michael
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sponsors. >> the late show with stephen colbert sponsored by "star wars," the force awakens in
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my first guest tonight is the oscar winning director of the documentaries "roger & me" and quk bowling for columbine "and now he's invading europe. please welcome michael moore. it is good to see you, though i'm guessing not everybody feels that way when they see michael moore coming toward them, especially if you have a camera on your shoulder. >> that is sadly true. and they have nothing to worry about. i'm nonviolent. you know, i'm just here for the truth. >> stephen: that's all. >> that's all. >> stephen: you're just here to set them free, in other words. >> yes, exactly, yes >> stephen: now you have done some documentaries or
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about some pretty dark, disturbing and some what hopeless subjects. but your new movie qui which is "where to invade next" seems for hopeful than your normal stuff. honest, it does. explain what that means, what where to invade next means. >> yes t is hopeful because i was thinking, we spent the last decade and a half invading these other countries. it hasn't worked out so well, i think we would agree. and i thought well, what if we started invading countries and didn't like, didn't kill anybody. we didn't want their oil. we just wanted some good ideas. so i thought why don't i invade italy. like why doesn't the pentagon just go to the travel agent and pick better places to go to for the troops. i mean south of france, tus cannee, >> stephen: so you go to europe. >> i go mostly to europe. gi to north africa a little bit.
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to places where in italy you have seven to eight weeks paid vacation. every worker has seven to aid weeks paid vacation. (applause) i go to germany where all university is free, as well as finland and other countries. you don't pay any-- in fact, germans have just passed a law or something saying americans can come to german universities foreign tirely free. absolutely free. yeah. >> stephen: i assume you have got to-- the doach. >> no, no even in countries like slovenia they have a hundred course studies that are taught in english. you can come there, go to university, for free and take all your classes in english >> stephen: how do they pay for this, know. because europe has got enormous debt in some of their countries. how are they paying for it. >> yeah, so do we. they put their money into education and into their people.
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good to be able to have students have experiences with students from other countries going to the university. so they have a more diverse, if they have, you know, young people from united states or mexico, argentina or whatever, they have a better education having these other students there >> stephen: you don't seem angry in this one. you don't seem like you are holding anybody a feet to the fire. are you losing your edge? >> i'm actually, well, i don't-- that's a good question >> stephen: you seem astonished. >> i am, i am standing, this italian coup sell telling me that it is the law that when they get married, their honeymoon is paid for. it is considered a paid vacation. in france, the day that you move say from an apartment to another apartment, that is a paid day off. in these other countries it is so crazy the way that they set things up to take care of their people. but they only spend 2 or 4 or 6 percent on our military. we spend upwards of 60% on our military
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to stand up for-- u.s. military. >> wasteful spending >> stephen: i don't know about wasteful. who knows how much a hammer should cost. but the europeans can have a low military budget because we have an enormous military budget. they are underneath the age is of america's military protection. >> i think they think what protects them is to have an educated population, people that are well taken care of, mothers get maternity leave for up to a year paid >> stephen: they have big trouble over there too they have racism. >> absolutely >> stephen: they have economic issues. they don't treat their immigrants very well. >> i say that in the movie. but i'm there to pick the flowers not the weeds. if a documentary filmmaker from austria came here to make a documentary on the genius of the iphone or silicon valley, you wouldn't say to them, well how come you haven't pointed out that there has been over 300 mass shootings in the u.s. just this year. what has that got to do with the iphone, yes, they have their problems but i'm there to show you how they've taken actually a
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and they treat their people there-- they ended the war on drugs in portugal. that. this was something that as ton mished me. you seemed gob smacked too talking to two plitionman in portugal about the decriminalization of all drugs. >> it's my understanding that you don't arrest people for using drugs any more. >> no. >> no. >> heroin, pot, met, pills, nothing? >> no. >> if i told you had i could cane on me right now, you wouldn't do anything. >> no. >> no, okay. officers, i have cocane in my pocket. a whole bunch of it. sorry, >> stephen: so what has it meant for portugal. that is something that is different, what is the fallout for them socially. >> what it manies is they have not arrested a single person for
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in the last 15 years >> stephen: is this a drug. >> the drug robb has gone down, drug related crime has gone down. it's had this incredible impact. you had john legend out here he said we've got to resolve this problem here because we have locked up too many people. we've got-- and then they can't vote in this country. in portugal, norway, these other countries, you get out of prison you can vote. there is like 35 states in this country where once you get out of prison you can't vote. and that means in states like florida, one-third of all black men cannot vote, ever >> stephen: now you sound like you have your edge back a little bit, okay. >> i'm confused. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the reason i ask is do you think this film, where to inindividual next, do you think it is a liberal film, conservative film. do you think this would be appealing to gop voters or people who are making policy on both sides of the fence. >> i don't care, really f they come, great. but this is a different country.
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want to have see this, who is the target. >> the american audience, i want the american people to see. this first of all, i wouldn't call it liberal or conservative. i would call it a comedy. have made a sattire it is a film about the united states and i don't shoot a single frame of film in the united states it is all shot in other countries to show the things they have that we could have >> stephen: is there anything that we have that they want? >> yes, they come to an american supermarket and see 157 varieties of breakfast cereal, that blows their mind. that is something-- >> stephen: have they tried oatie-o's. >> yo gurt in a tube, they want that >> stephen: one of the things we said, you were out by trump tower. >> yesterday >> stephen: yesterday with a sign saying we are all muslim. >> we are all muslim >> stephen: and-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: are you saying that campaigns that are based on fear or divisiveness are coming to an end. what is your evidence of that? >> they are so unnerved and
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have had two terms of a president whose middle snaim hussein, gay people can get married now, states are this is the direction the country is going >> stephen: can i defend-- can i defend the appeal. >> yeah >> stephen: i would like to defend the appeal, though i may not agree with what donald trump says, i can defend the appeal of-- defend the appeal of how he says, so often we look at different problems and people say what is there to do. they throw up their hands. at least he says here is something we can do. it may be a dumb idea, it may be unconstitutional idea, it may be a pure, an idea purely based on business practices. >> it's appealing to people >> stephen: well, because it is an idea. they want an answer. >> they want an answer >> stephen: are there answers in this film that we haven't thought of? >> yes, the film is all answers. it's like no problems, all solutions. it's like you walk out of the film going oh, that's what we need to do.
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see it. (applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, michael. >> thank you for having me on >> stephen: where to invade next t opens in loss answer less december 23rd nation wide february 12th.
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back >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the u.s. ambassador to the united nations, a member of the obama cabinet and pulitzer prize winning author, please welcome a woman without lives up to her name, the honorable samantha power! (applause) well, thanks for being here. i know are you a busy person because its world say big place
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pulse of everything happening in the world, right? >> try to >> stephen: part of your job is knowing something about the globe. you are right now the president of the u.n. security council for the month of december. what does that-- does that come with anything good? do you get to declare like everyone must wear native garb, get into your wooden shoes. what comes with that? >> people at the u.n. are a little long-winded >> stephen: i hadn't noticed. >> and i can gaffe el. can i stop people from talking >> stephen: can you set the agenda. >> i set the agenda and this month we had historic sessions, security council session on human trafficking, on sexual slavery which is rampant. (applause) >> stephen: there is a lot of that. >> there. is a woman from iraq spoke to not only having watched six of her brothers be killed by isil but herself having been sexually enslaved by isil over a year. this brave woman stood up before two things.
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isil but also for why we should admit refugees to this country and other countries. >> stephen: if you-- is there a number that has been set by ot bama administration of how many refugees the united states is prepared to take from syria, or that the area controlled by isis right now? >> yes, in this year we are going to take at least 10,000, the president hade clear that is a floor. an 85,000 yefer all because there are also iraqis and bur mees and others we need to continue to open our doors too. we will continue to work to make sure we have the security protocols in place so we are not placing the american 350e78 at risk, which we believe we are no. but also staying true to the values. and sending a signal to the muslim world that we need to work together and not alienate them, with the rhetoric that has been said >> stephen: people are cynical about what can be done by government or even between governments. the paris climate treaty or
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that seems like a 180 from what is expected, can be achieved between governments. were you guys just doing like a high five tunnel at the white house? was it all just like soul train dance there. >> it was pretty sweet. i got to see president obama earlier this week. and i think, there's a recognition that this is a turning point. countries, i just can tell from you my day job, they just don't come together like that very often >> stephen: what is the jerk country. turn off the cameras, we won't even say. >> in the old days i would be giving you a lift but have i learned to be diplomatic >> stephen: i would hope so, president of security council these guys have new clear weapons. >> exactly thsm is such a big piece of business. and the countries i saw, the ambassadors of the island states in the halls of the u.n. this isn't an issue of nice to not. this is their country's literally disappearing underwater.
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portions of these island states. and so it's one thing at the white house, there is a great sense of achievement that this is historic and a turning point but at the u.n. to see the countries that won't be able to litigate, we've got to just stop the rise in temperature >> stephen: you have about one more year in this job before you're on the unemployment line, okay. what does this gig prepare you for other than like an advisor for homeland, season six? >> yeah. >> don't forget robin wright. she made a fine u.n. ambassador in the house of cards >> stephen: she did. >> yes. >> stephen: she. >> that hasn't been my approach yet. but s yet? >> the year is young, i suppose. i am focused, i'm not focused on my joblessness, we have so much we're trying to get done in the fourth quarter of the fourth quarter which is where we are >> stephen: i want to talk to
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we're about to take a two week break. >> congratulations >> stephen: thanks very much. we've had a good time. a well deserved break. (applause) >> i would like to play a little not game but have a little information session with you which is i would like to go around the world to the various places where i am thinking of going for my vacation. all right. and you tell me whether this is some place appropriate to take my family for the next two weeks. all right. jim, let's start it. afghanistan, do you love the deep blue lakes of the park and the beautiful vistas of the uponsheer mountains. afghanistan, should i go there or will samantha power bum me out. can i-- can people go to afghanistan. >> okay, parts of the country are very stable. other parts are not. >> stephen: i hear it is beautiful.
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it's stunning. what i would say is maybe i would wait a little bit longer until the security situation is locked down >> stephen: okay. let's try this one. crimea. a true black sea paradise with picturesque mountain ranges, lush forestry and miles of sun-drenched beaches, crimea, its' kind of russia. >> no, no >> stephen: the russians think it's russia, can i go to crimea. looks like a beautiful place. >> it is a beautiful place but it is part of ukraine. the united nations-- >> stephen: says who? says who? >> a hundred countries and the united nations general assembly >> stephen: you have seen the way putin walks. >> i saw you walking like putin. crimea is part of ukraine. unfortunately since the russian occupation, again, the human rights conditions, deplorable, people disa peemplet you don't want to go there if you don't want to get disappeared. we don't want to you get disappeared. >> stephen: i want to drop off the map for two weeks but would like to.
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where it will, that is when you should go back >> stephen: it will go back to >> it has to >> stephen: i can quote you. >> it is part of the territory integrity of the ukraine, absolutely >> stephen: one more. cuba, after 54 years cuba is crying aloha, spend lazy days sipping rum on white sand beaches as salsa music fills the air. christmas comeie style. can i go to cuba? >> okay, this is a complicated question. >> stephen: yes or no. >> it is today one year since the historic announcement of normalization with cuba. but you still have to be on a list of specific categories, so tourists are still not pro-- still prohinted from going to cuba. entertainers, educational exchanges >> stephen. >> there is a list. depends if you are going to entertain or go to the beaches
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entertain people on the beaches. >> that is probably, the treasury department makes very clear who can go and who can't go. the human rights situation, cuba is still not good but we believe this normalization unlike an embarko that didn't improve the human rights situation over 50 years, that actually people like you would be a great ambassador for our values and the human rights situation will improve over time if there is more interaction. >> stephen: well, thank you. i will keep it all in mind. samantha, thank you so much. ambassador samantha power,
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we'll be right back. [ dog barks ] [ bark ] there it is! [ gasps ] oh no!
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that. was. epic! [ bark ] >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest starred in six feet under, deks ter and hedwig and the angry inch on broadway. he's now the lead in the new musical lazarus, please welcome michael c. hall. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, a lot of us know you from things like six feet under and deks ter. i had no idea that you were a beautiful singer, that you were a musical guy. were you ever tempted to like break out into song on deks ter or turn an episode into a musical. >> some of the creative powers
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monster that made deks ter thought it might be a good idea for me to sing at some point but i never thought it really made sense. >> did you come close. >> no, but you know, another couple seasons and we might have. >> going to chop those brains, fantastic. but always fairly dark projects with you. >> yeah. >> six feet under, deks ter and then dark musicals, hedwig and the angry inch. >> yup. >> cab array, and now this new musical lazarus. >> yup. >> where you were an alien on this planet. >> yup. >> can't get home to my home planet. and can't die, sorlt of self-imposed exile in my new york apartment swilling gin. so yeah, bring the family >> stephen: here's the thing, you can't bring the family. >> that's right >> stephen: you are sold out. they are being scalled for $3,000 a ticket this thing. its at the's new york theater workshop, again, i don't know
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>> stephen: good luck getting tickets. this was conceived and cocreated by david bowie. >> correct >> stephen: and bowie doesn't tour any more. >> no >> stephen: and these are bowie songs. classic and original bowie songs. going to see you in this show is the closest people get to seeing bowie live right now. is there any pressure there, mike snel. >> no, not all all. it is just sort of so much pleasure that it's laughable. >> yeah. >> like what are you going to do. i couldn't, i couldn't possibly fill his shoes so i will just try to put on my own and do my best. >> i don't think of him as wearing shoes. >> i think, i mean i met him and i shook his hand >> stephen: were you a fan before you met him? >> i was. i encountered bow c.e.o. in the '80s when i was in junior high, the let's dance >> stephen: let's dance. >> exactly. which lead me-- lead me back to his earlier stuff. an i have been a fan for years. the album, also, this is
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doing the songs from the musical. it's called black star, trust me, david bowie sings on this one right here. well, why the title lazarus, does it have bib i will kal overtones. >> no, it doesn't. i think there is a theme of resurrection of sorts in as much as the character is, while alive physically, sort of dead spirit allly or emotionally. and he has been implicated by his time on planet earth. he's had his heartbroken. he's an alcoholic. and he pretty much has stayed that way for the past 30, 40 years. and he's just bieding his time eating junk food and drinking gin and watching television >> stephen: bus bowie say this is autobiographical in anyway? i'm just curious where this comes from. >> he has not copped to that, no >> stephen: any lazarus in you? do you feel like trapped at all in a new york penthouse drinking
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by the way sounds like a pretty nice way to spend the next two weeks off. >> yeah, yeah, just not eternity >> stephen: of course not. >> a solid two weeks of that sounds pretty luxurious. no, i don't live in a penthouse. you know, i like to watch tv and eat food late at night. but i don't know, i try to get out every day >> stephen: you played a spooky character. but you actually look really normal. that's the thing. you look like the guy next door. >> sure >> stephen: which is one the things about most frightening about your performance from deks ter. can you see how fast you can flip the switch. would you do me a favor and look, is it this camera, take a look at that camera. and first be the fies guy next door like absolutely nice guy next door and nice guy next door without has a crawl space. (laughter) >> how did i do? i didn't see it >> stephen: no, you-- i couldn't talk for a second there. >> right
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watch why you point that thing sometimes. >> oh my god, he knows where i live. >> well, the tricky thing about dexter is i look so much like him, you know and-- >> stephen: i know, i played a character for many years with my name. >> right, right. and i will meet people and they are like you are giving me that dexter look. not really, it's just my face. but what are you going to do? >> stephen: i don't know. you can't change your face. >> no >> stephen: well, hollywood, you could. >> you could, you could >> stephen: well, i am so excited. i hear we get a performance from you and members of the cast in just a moment, right? >> yes >> stephen: okay. lazarus is at the new york theater workshop through january 209. michael c. hall, everybody.
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performance. piano music. wow. i'm glad you finally made it, dad. you have to experience this city. that's what you always say. you were right about the food. yeah? welcome. only in new york, right? i guess so. and a real astronaut. that was something. hi john. hey kevin. one more. didn't you want to be an astronaut? ...be an astronaut? yes, i did.
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ahhhh!!! it's beautiful, isn't it? how about a baseball game next time? done! done. book priceless experiences around the globe with...
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love for this address or send an nice e-mail, happy holidays. long live foghat and long live boogie rock. plawses plaws
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roads will be shut down indefinitely. and schools are closed. campbell's soups go great with a cold and a nice red.
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>> stephen: here performing the title track to lazarus, which is also david bowie's new single from the album black star, ladies and gentlemen,
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look up here, i'm in heaven i've got scars that can't be seen i've got drama, can't be stolen everybody knows me now look up here, man, i'm in danger i've got nothing left to lose
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whirl i dropped my cell phone down below ain't that just like me by the time i got to new york i was living like a king then i used up all my money
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this way or no way you know, i'll be free just like that blue bird now ain't that just like me oh i'll be free just like that bluebird
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ain't that just like me (cheers and applause) >> stephen: who! lazarus is at the new york theater workshop through january. david bowie's new album black star comes out january 8th.
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(cheers and applause) it's the final countdown! the final countdown! if you're the band europe, you love a final countdown. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico.
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>> stephen: that's it for the late show.
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